I had another rough night. My body hurts from my head to my toes. I take sleeping meds to help me sleep in the night but still waking up 3-5 times at night. Around 4 or 5 I will just lay there wishing to fall back asleep. My sciatic pain is shooting down my legs causing my feet to curl and grip the other foot, as if I was a monkey using my feet as hands. My hands are closed in tight fists, and my body is sweating. I imagine I have these same symptoms in the daytime but distract myself with movement and entertainment. The longer I stand, sit or walk the worse I get. So you can imagine the night gets tough and the pain get worse. My back is not yet strong enough to hold myself up for a period of time. My muscles begin to spas, my body begins to sweat and I even begin to get dizzy and nauseous. Finding myself laying back down with my ice pack on my back..
At night when I am no longer sleeping the house is quite the white noise of my fan or humidifier is drowning out the sound of the clock ticking. My body is at its breaking point. At this time my mind begins to wonder, what if this doesn’t help, what if this is what my future will always be? Negativity and worry continue to seep in my mind and I am now brought to stage two: anxiety and depression. I begin to doubt myself…….
There is no phone to look at or anything else to that matter to distract myself with. It’s just you and the body you feel that is falling apart. You have just reached the “point.” In a thrilling movie I recently watched called “Point Break,” there is a group of men who are about to jump off of the alps in wing suits. The men are having a discussion. One says, “the point means, don’t let yourself reach that point of fear becomes the master and your its slave.” So what do you do when you’re doubting or facing your fear? I wrote in a previous entry during my first surgery.
It is a mind game. Often times I have had thoughts of giving up or feeling negative about myself. One night after long day of studying and dancing I was unable to sleep. Negative thoughts began to run through my head, doubting myself and wanting to give up. I felt my body begin to break down and I began to cry. My life felt upside down and I was all of a sudden overwhelmed by everything or the lack of everything I was invested in. I was falling behind in school, dance, and being the wife and friend I wanted to be for my husband, sisters, family members or friends to others. Overcome by these thoughts that began to run through my mind I tore off a paper towel and began to write down my brain work. But instead of writing the negative thoughts I began to write down, “I can and I am” along with my faltering thoughts. As I was writing more positive things down repeating the words as I continued to write, my negative thoughts started to vanishing and my doubts were disappearing.
Doubting yourself can only make things worse. It is always easier said than done. If we are still breathing and alive, we all will face discouragements in our life and maybe more than others. I believe that doubt comes from discouragement and discouragement may even come from doubt. No matter the situation you may be in, you must not let it run your life.
After reading this to Enoch he says, “you don’t have to leave the dark side of doubt, self pity and pain.” I instantly replied, “You need to or you will continue to seep into a dark hole.” Enoch responds, “It’s a choice… I am glad your coming out in the end.” He is right sometimes you may need a breaking point to realize what you may of gone through but remember the more you’re at that breaking point the slower you recover and the faster you’re able to face your fear and make something positive of it the happier life can be. It is entirely up to you. I am trying my hardest to recover quickly. I hope you all are doing well.